The title of this post is CAPITALIZED SO YOU CAN HEAR IT!
As many of us approach our “Golden Years” (we never quite get there, if you know what I mean) we begin to experience the annoyances of aging.
One annoyance is the way folks around us start to mumble, so we can’t understand them. In order to encourage those folks to speak more clearly, I have included these actual dialogues, recorded over the past year, of interchanges between Grandma and me.
I hope readers can learn from them.
Grandma Bev: I think it’s bean soup.
Grandpa Bill: What’s been sued?
Grandma Bev: Julian’s mom worked at Eyde.
Grandpa Bill: Julian’s mom worked and died?
Grandma Bev: Oh look, my pill is scored.
Grandpa Bill: I got gored? I don’t think so.
Grandma Bev: Put your hat in the closet, like a that.
Grandpa Bill: Like a bat?
Grandma Bev: Like a that.
Grandpa Bill: Like a vat?
Grandma Bev: Like that!
Grandpa Bill: What?
Grandma Bev: Do you want one egg or two?
Grandpa Bill: I want new.
Grandma Bev: I said, one or two. Turn up your hearing aid!
Grandpa Bill: OK. An old one, then.
Grandma Bev: So, Chuck got the take out and…
Grandpa Bill: Chuck got the tank out?
Grandma Bev: take out, take out!
Grandma Bev: I guess my group won’t be meeting for another two weeks.
Grandpa Bill: You aren’t eating for two weeks? Bev, you don’t have to do that for me.
Grandma Bev: Now is a good time to take your blood pressure.
Grandpa Bill: Take my butt pressure?
Grandma Bev: Yes, your blood pressure.
Grandpa Bill: Sounds good.
Grandma Bev: You can have some turkey later.
Grandpa Bill: I have a turkey flavor?
Grandma Bev: If you want to.
Grandma Bev: Our kids are traveling in Europe this summer. We’ll probably be at home.
Grandpa Bill: We’ll be in a home?
Grandma Bev: You might be.
Grandma Bev: There are some real egos in that neighborhood.
Grandpa Bill: Eagles? No way.
Grandma Bev: I said egos. There are some big egos in those big houses.
Grandpa Bill: Maybe some hawks. No eagles.
Grandma Bev: Oh look! A new dishwasher.
Grandpa Bill: A nude dishwasher?
Grandma Bev: I texted Doug for his birthday.
Grandpa Bill: You hexed Doug on his birthday? That’s not right.
Grandma Bev: I have to call Perry’s office to get a refill on my prescription.
Grandpa Bill: Call your parent’s office?
Grandma Bev: Perry’s office. Perry’s office! Clean your ears!
Grandma Bev: Am I in your way?
Grandpa Bill: Am Miami way?
Grandma Bev: No. Am I?
Grandma Bev: Mary has been placed in hospice care.
Grandpa Bill: Mary hasn’t paid her hospice care? She was always so responsible.
Grandma Bev: You put the shades down in the bedroom. Afraid someone’s going to see your body?
Grandpa Bill: Seize my coffee? I don’t drink coffee in our bedroom. Never have.
Grandma Bev: We haven’t seen the neighbors in their hot tub lately.
Grandpa Bill: In their hot dog?
Grandma Bev: You can put the plates and silverware on the table.
Grandpa Bill: I can put the plastic silverware on the table?
Grandma Bev: Plates, PLATES!!! (Throws up hands)
Grandma Bev: I’m going to physical therapy now.
Grandpa Bill: Hysterical therapy?
Grandma Bev: Oh, for crying out loud.
Grandma Bev: Guess what? I have a urinary tract infection.
Grandpa Bill: You have a yearning for a track infection? Why, Bev, why?
Grandma Bev: My sciatic nerve is killing me.
Grandpa Bill: Your psychiatric nerve is bothering you?
Grandma Bev: You certainly are. (Glares, rolls eyes)
Grandma Bev: I thought you said you were going to e-mail her.
Grandpa Bill: Female her?
Grandma Bev: Bi-illll!?!
Grandma Bev: Did you know that tea, coffee, and cocoa contain different stimulants? In nursing school I studied dietetics.
Grandpa Bill: Diuretics? Heh! I studied beer drinking. ‘Course, that was a long time ago—before my prostrate swoll and nearly killed me.
Grandma Bev: You don’t drink much now.
Grandpa Bill: I think plenty. I’m sharp as a tack.
Grandma Bev: Don’t hear so good either.
Grandpa Bill: Donneer soggy ether? You make no sense.
Grandma Bev: Here’s a straw. Finish your soup, dear.
Grandma Bev: You dropped a glob of jelly on the table cloth.
Grandpa Bill: on the tuna cloth?
Grandma Bev: [starts singing to herself]