THE PARROT NEXT DOOR


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Inside the shadows of the lanai next door lurks a loquacious parrot. Bevy Mae and me can’t see him, but we know he’s in there, because he talks — a lot.

We want to meet him. But we are visitors on vacation, and it doesn’t seem quite right to walk up to the neighbor’s front door and announce, “Hi, we’re the neighbors from up north. Can we see your talking parrot?”

It seems a little forward, like something kids might do, right?

Every morning the parrot wakes us up with cries of “Lisa!” and “Chuck, Chuck!” When Chuck and Lisa don’t come running (and so far they haven’t) he can throw a bit of a hissy-fit and bang his cage like a tin can. Sometimes he hurls what sounds like obscenities.

I don’t want our neighbors — who I’ve met by the way; sweet folks from South America — to imagine that my wife and I don’t anything but adore their bird. We really do.

The parrot has an astounding repertoire of words and phrases that are nothing short of amazing. His Burt Lancaster accents and phraseology make me believe he may have been in the movies.

We will keep you posted on all the cute things he says and does.

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4:30PM   The talking parrot was well behaved this afternoon. He said the following:

Charlie! Ow! Come ‘ere!
Hush up!
Hey Dad!
Charlie! Wee ooh!
Charlie! Wee ooh!
Chuck! Chuck!
Tweet! Wee ooh!

(etc. etc.)

10:00PM Friday  We didn’t hear the parrot today. Really miss him.

6:30 PM Sunday  The Parrot is back! Here is a transcript:

Wee ooh! Wee ooh! Hello.
Ee yooh. Tweet. Woo. Charlie!
What!? Joe?
Hey. Hey. Get out here!  [obscenity]
Hey! Hey girl. Hey. Hey.  [obscenity]
Charlie?  [farting sounds]
Hey girl  [whistles]
Hey John!
Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.
Doll?
Hey dad!  Hey dad!  [squeak]
Whoo! Whoo! Chirp. [bangs cage]
Charlie. Charlie. Wee ooh.
Chirp. Chirp.
Hey!  Help!
Whew!

(etc. etc.)

Billy Lee

HEARING LOSS

The title of this post is CAPITALIZED SO YOU CAN HEAR IT!

As many approach their “Golden Years”  (we never quite get there, if you know what I mean) some begin to experience the annoyances of aging.

One annoyance is the way folks mumble; who can understand them? To encourage folks to speak more clearly, I have included actual verbal exchanges — recorded over the past months —  between Grandma Bevy and me.

I hope readers will take the hint and learn to enunciate!


Grandma Bevy:  I think it’s bean soup.
Grandpa Billy:  What’s been sued?

Grandma Bevy:  Julian’s mom worked at Eyde.
Grandpa Billy:  Julian’s mom worked and died?

Grandma Bevy:  Oh look, my pill is scored.
Grandpa Billy:   I got gored? I don’t think so.

Grandma Bevy:  Put your hat in the closet, like a that.
Grandpa Billy:  Like a bat?
Grandma Bevy:  Like a that.
Grandpa Billy:  Like a vat?
Grandma Bevy:  Like that!
Grandpa Billy:  What?

Grandma Bevy:  Do you want one egg or two?
Grandpa Billy:  I want new.
Grandma Bevy:  I said, one or two. Turn up your hearing aid!
Grandpa Billy:  OK. An old one, then.

Grandma Bevy:  So, Chuck got the take out and…
Grandpa Billy:  Chuck got the tank out?
Grandma Bevy:  Take out… take out!

Grandma Bevy:  I guess my group won’t be meeting for another two weeks.
Grandpa Billy:  You aren’t eating for two weeks?  Bev, you don’t have to do that for me.

Grandma Bevy:  Now is a good time to take your blood pressure.
Grandpa Billy:  Take my butt pressure?
Grandma Bevy:  Yes, your blood pressure.
Grandpa Billy:  Sounds good.

Grandma Bevy:  You can have some turkey later.
Grandpa Billy:  I have a turkey flavor?
Grandma Bevy:  If you want to.

Grandma Bevy:  Our kids are traveling in Europe this summer. We’ll probably be at home.
Grandpa Billy:  We’ll be in a home?
Grandma Bevy:  You might be.

Grandma Bevy:  There are some real egos in that neighborhood.
Grandpa Billy:  Eagles? No way.
Grandma Bevy:  I said egos. There are some big egos in those big houses.
Grandpa Billy:  Maybe some hawks. No eagles.

Grandma Bevy:  Oh look! A new dishwasher.
Grandpa Billy:  A nude dishwasher?

Grandma Bevy:  I texted Doug for his birthday.
Grandpa Billy:  You hexed Doug on his birthday? That’s not right.

Grandma Bevy:  I have to call Perry’s office to get a refill on my prescription.
Grandpa Billy:  Call your parent’s office?
Grandma Bevy:  Perry’s office. Perry’s office! Clean your ears!

Grandma Bevy:  Am I in your way?
Grandpa Billy:  Am Miami way?
Grandma Bevy:  No. Am I?

Grandma Bevy:  Mary has been placed in hospice care.
Grandpa Billy:  Mary hasn’t paid her hospice care? She was always so responsible.

Grandma Bevy:  You put the shades down in the bedroom. Afraid someone’s going to see your body?
Grandpa Billy:  Seize my coffee? I don’t drink coffee in the bedroom. Never have.

Grandma Bevy:  We haven’t seen the neighbors in their hot tub lately.
Grandpa Billy:  In their hot dog?

Grandma Bevy:  You can put the plates and silverware on the table.
Grandpa Billy:  I can put the plastic silverware on the table?
Grandma Bevy:  Plates, PLATES!!! (Throws up hands)

Grandma Bevy:  I’m going to physical therapy now.
Grandpa Billy:  Hysterical therapy?
Grandma Bevy:  Oh, for crying out loud.

Grandma Bevy:  Guess what? I have a urinary tract infection.
Grandpa Billy:  You have a yearning for a track infection?  Why, Bev, why?

Grandma Bevy:  My sciatic nerve is killing me.
Grandpa Billy:  Your psychiatric nerve is bothering you?
Grandma Bevy:  You certainly are. (Glares, rolls eyes)

Grandma Bevy:  I thought you said you were going to e-mail her.
Grandpa Billy:  Female her?
Grandma Bevy:  Billll…Y.. !?!

Grandma Bevy:  Did you know that tea, coffee, and cocoa contain different stimulants? I’m a nurse, right?  I studied dietetics.
Grandpa Billy:  Diuretics? Heh! I studied beer-drinking. ‘Course, that was a long time ago — before my prostrate swoll and nearly killed me.

Grandma Bevy:  You don’t drink much now.
Grandpa Billy:  I think plenty. I’m sharp as a tack.

Grandma Bevy:  Don’t hear so good either.
Grandpa Billy:  Donneer soggy ether? 
Grandma Bevy:  Here’s a straw. Finish your soup, dear.

Grandma Bevy:  You dropped a glob of jelly on the table cloth.
Grandpa Billy:  … on the tuna cloth?
Grandma Bevy: [starts singing to herself]



Billy Lee

JOINT ISSUE ANNIVERSARY

This month marks the 43rd anniversary of the birth of Joint Issue, a publication my friends and me produced, which became the Newspaper of Record for the anti-Vietnam War movement and counterculture “happenings” in East Lansing, Michigan during the years 1971-1973.

Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 01 VOL2NO1
Hippie Rescues Drowning Child. Michigan legend, Denny Preston, illustrated this famous cover from the Underground Press.

Other papers like the Red Apple News, The Paper and the Bogue Street Bridge were around before and after Joint Issue. But none covered the anti-war movement and the counterculture like Joint Issue. None commanded the large readership, the community support, — including substantial advertising by local merchants — or the attention from police and other protectors of public morals.

Every local “radical” of consequence passed through our doors at one time or another. Every Lansing-area revolutionary and revolutionary wannabe read our paper and tried to know us.

Even the MSU police paid a visit from time to time. At 3AM one morning we found them in our Student Services office rummaging through our stuff. No warrants required, of course.

During the past months I have reread many of the old issues that me and my friends Ken, Davy, Patti and others once proudly worked to publish. It’s amazing how prescient we were, how many of our “wild” ideas caught hold and became mainstream. But there are disappointments too. Some causes, like gay rights, are still being fought.   Editors Note: In June 2003, the Supreme Court legalized gay relationships; on 26 June 2015 all gay marriages became legal and constitutionally protected in the United States. 

I included below a photo of each page of our first issue for folks to read. Some will be relieved to learn that many issues of the original Joint Issue are protected at libraries with a complete collection in very good condition in the archives of the MSU library.

Insider Histories, Ken Wachsberger
Historian Ken Wachsberger covers some of the history of Joint Issue in his book Insider Histories, available on Amazon.com

The history of the underground press in general and of Joint Issue in particular remains largely untold by mainstream media. It is good that Kenny Wachsberger stepped up to preserve much of this history in his important and thorough Insider Histories — available through Amazon.com. The section on Joint Issue begins on page 195. It is a must read for anyone who wants to know what was really going on during this transformational era in US history.

Other important books by Ken Wachsberger can be found at this link.

The photos below are of a newspaper that is showing its age after forty-three years sitting in a library’s cardboard collection box or on the back shelf of a closet.

Back in the day, we published Joint Issue on clean white Demy-sized sheets folded in half to make the individual pages. We often used colored sheets — pink, blue, orange, green and yellow were our favorites — to give the Joint Issue a fresher look. Sometimes we used colored ink to highlight important stories.

Impco Graphics of Mason was our printer. Denny Preston, the local artist and musician who created the LugNuts logo, designed ours.

Joint Issue began publishing during the year Hewlett-Packard marketed the first hand-held calculators to the public. Like the HP calculator — able only to multiply and divide — Joint Issue faced technical hurdles of its own. Personal computers hadn’t yet been invented, so each page had to be painstakingly laid out by hand.

We typed up the copy on paper sheets with an actual Smith-Corona typewriter (remember those?), cut the typewritten sheets into usable bite-size pieces with scissors or exacto-knives, slopped on the glue with brushes or fingers, and carefully tweezered the pieces into location onto white cardboard layout sheets hanging on clotheslines in our basement office.  

We pasted cool graphics (pictures) we scissored (if we had to) from books and magazines (expensive!) or we got them from our volunteers and donors. Sometimes a picture or piece of text would fall off the copy-sheet before it made it to Impco Graphics in Mason to be published. Someone might shove a piece of text into an inappropriate location. Shit happened.

But that was its charm and our purpose. We weren’t supposed to be a polished publication put out by an aristocracy trying to sell poisons to the public. Joint Issue was a people’s paper published by common people without an internet, Facebook, or Instagram. 

Our first issues, like the one featured below, were crude. But over time the sophistication of Joint Issue grew and its reputation as a reliable chronicler of what was happening in the street became established.

Billy Lee

Note: to magnify photos for reading, click on individual photo. Some pages are out of sequence. 

Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 01
Cover page
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 02
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 02
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 03
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 03
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 06
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 06
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 04
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 04
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 08
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 08
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 07
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 07
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 10
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 10
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 05
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 05
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 09
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 09
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 11
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 11
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 12
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 12
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 13
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 13
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 14
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 14
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 15
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 15
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 16
Joint Issue 1971-01-04 page 16